Monday, November 28, 2011

This is WHY I Don't Have an Advice Column

Dear Nikki,


My children are the most obnoxious, sassy-mouthed, rude, disobedient spawns of the unholy one that ever set foot on planet Earth. They embarrass me at my in-law's house and talk to me like they are thugs who hang out at the local Greyhound bus station. They sass off to me, their grandparents, their teachers and even total strangers. They steal things, break things, spit on things, pee on things, and lie constantly. How can I get them to behave?


~~Frazzled


Dear Frazzled,

BEAT THEM.

~~Nikki

Dear Nikki,


What is the proper etiquette when one is visiting a neighbor and in the middle of the visit, the neighbor excuses herself to the bathroom where she proceeds to vomit violently?  This situation arose last week while I was visiting with one of my neighbors. But my four children were playing so nicely with her five children that I didn't want to interrupt the play time. What does one do in a situation like this?


~~Curious

Dear Curious,

Are you fucking kidding me??? Not only do you get the hell out of her house, you take her five kids with you. Obviously, she's not up to the task of entertaining you and your four monsters (because I can only assume you're the same insensitive bitch from the first letter above.) Just because you don't want to deal with
your garanimals alone doesn't mean you should dump their hellacious asses on your poor sick neighbor and her five kids.....she MAY be expecting her sixth, what with all the puking and all....OR she may have just been nauseated to that degree by your inadequate parenting skills. My advice? G.T.F.O.

~~Nikki

Dear Nikki,


Last week my 76 year old uncle showed up at my house to visit. It so happened that my son's teacher was also there tutoring my oldest son. It is proper etiquette in our country to remove one's shoes upon entering the home. My uncle left before the teacher. When the teacher looked for his shoes when it was time for him to go, all he could find was my uncle's ratty old shoes, two sizes too big and with a hole in the side. I was so upset and embarrassed that my uncle had taken the teacher's brand new leather shoes and worn them home. He didn't return them for three days and claimed that he hadn't noticed that they were not his own.What should I do?


~~Ashamed
                                              
Dear Ashamed,

A good, sharp chisel-fist punch (described here) to the testicles is a sure-fire way to illustrate the anguish and humiliation that you must have felt while trying to explain to your son's teacher why your kleptomaniac uncle lifted his shoes. Of course, I'm guessing that apples don't fall so far from the trees and that this is the sort of behavior that lies ahead of you from those little hellions who keep shouting bad words and insults off the balcony at your puking neighbors kids! Stop writing all these letters to me, get a good leather belt and beat those brats back into the house and make them do push-ups until they fall asleep on the living room rug. Then, when your husband comes home, give him a good, sharp, chisel-fist punch to the testicles, as well. Ensure to make that punch in an upward thrusting motion to attain permanent damage to those puppies so that you two make more really bad kids. While I do not believe that kids are born bad, I know who you are and you just suck at raising kids. So stop having them. Try to fix what you broke in the first four and QUIT SENDING ME LETTERS. I've got a restraining order RIGHT HERE and it includes ANY form of contact, you sick, twisted FREAK.

~~Nikki



                                              

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