Why Don't They Like Me?

My heart just broke into pieces last night.

My little girl, who is now thirteen, came to me and asked why her cousin doesn't write to her anymore.  I asked if she was writing.  "Yes, but I don't write as much anymore because she never answers." I started to say something and she interrupted me, "Don't say it's because she doesn't get on the computer much, because I know that she's writing to my brother. I just don't understand why she doesn't like me anymore."

I hugged her and told her not to worry about it and assured her that her cousin does still like her but that maybe she's having one of those typical young girl crushes on him.  It happens.  Of course, my son overheard this and rolled his eyes and said, "Ewww."  And my daughter wouldn't talk again until he left the room.

I told her that I have friends all around the world and that if she would like, I could ask one of them who has a daughter who is a little closer to her age (her cousin is 14 months younger) if she would like a "pen pal." Her lip started to quiver and she shook her head no. I asked her why not? And the tears fell as she whispered, "What if they don't like me either?"

OH GOD!  My heart hurts for her. She said that out of the 40 girls in her class at school not one of them is her friend. She said that people are always friendly to her until they find out she's a foreigner, and then either snub her, or want to borrow money. The only time they want to be her friend is on exam days because she is very smart; on English exam days, she has more "best friends" than she could ever imagine. She knows they're using her. And I just want to hold her and kiss her and tell her it will be okay....that none of those girls deserves her friendship and then we'd braid each other's hair and bake cookies.

But I'm just her mom. And while she finds consolation in my hugs and words right now...I know that it won't be for that much longer. And I know that I'm never going to be the "girlfriend" that all of us think back on when we remember our middle school years. But I'll keep trying to carve out another chunk of time for just her and keep trying to hug and console and comfort her while poking all those girls with imaginary sticks in my mind for hurting my baby. 

HOLY HORMONES, BATMAN!

It just dawned on me today.  I have no clue why I hadn't realized it before.  But now all the pieces seem to fit nicely into that jumbled up 5000 piece puzzle that is my life. I have been trying to figure out what is with all of the tantrum  pitching, screaming, arguing, fighting, crying and thumb-sucking for months and I was at a complete loss...until tonight.

So I pulled my thumb out of my mouth and wiped my tears, so that I could focus my eyes on the monitor and figure out why in the hell I'm no longer emotionally capable of dealing with these stinkin' kids (at least like I used to deal with them.)  And you know what I found out?  Oh, it isn't pretty.

I

Am

Perimenopausal.

OH! THE HUMANITY!

No, it's true.  I'm stuck in that in-between stage where life has finally balanced itself and I'm an amazing, supermom, able to multi-task writing, cleaning, homework, cooking, shopping, scrubbing down the fingerprints (and friggin' footprints) off the walls and still manage to be showered and looking hot by the time the husband walks in the door.......and where your menses stops and you are labeled OLD.

I guess with most women it may be easier to diagnose (you know, as though it's ever easy to diagnose.)  But see after my fifth baby (who was 10 lbs 5 ozs) they found thousands of little fibroids. Those were apparently the spawn of the Mutha Fibroid (henceforth known as MF) that was lodged with lots of little tiny veins at the back of my uterus.  So, removing them surgically was too dangerous and I have issues with depo-provera so we decided that even though I was only 33, I'd gotten a whole lot of mileage out of that uterus and we had that sucker pulled out through my c-section scar, which, coincidentally, also had a lot of mileage. (We had it bronzed and put it next to the baby shoes on the mantle.)

Anywho, since I haven't had a period in more than ten years, menopause is totally NOT something that's on my mind.  Except that for the last two or three years, I've been feeling really hot. Like, disgusting, fat, sweaty, guy wearing a snowsuit in Atlanta in August hot.  In fact, most days while I'm on the computer, I totally feel like this:

So, I knew that I must totally be depressed or something so I did what any woman stuck in a foreign country with four teenagers in the house in the middle of the night would do.  I Googled for self-diagnosis. But I think that this one is pretty spot on. Here's where I read perimenopause.

Actually, I already had an idea that I was going through this.  However, what clicked in the so-called mind today was that PERIMENOPAUSAL WOMAN + THREE TEENAGERS + ONE ANGSTY PRETEEN = An awful lot of rampant hormones in my house.

And that's when I went out into the desert to dig a large but shallow grave to get rid of the teenagers.
NOT REALLY. But I did fantasize about it briefly.  I digress.

So, what now?  It's after midnight, so I'll probably just resume the fetal position and suck my thumb while I cry myself to sleep tonight. But I'll probably research some sort of herbal/natural remedies to help me just not give a shit anymore and go back to blowing off the sassy and angsty pubescent hormones.  In the mean time, I have empty soda bottles full of water in the freezer and I'm not putting away my summer clothes for the winter. I'm just throwing a couple of cardigans into my closet for days when my body starts acting like it's got some damn sense.

They say that the average age for menopause for American women is 51.  Guess I've got a few years to go.
But at least I understand what's happening to me and that I don't need to make that reservation at any mental health inpatient facilities just yet. 

For Updates on Gaza

Hi. I've been a bit busy the last week or so. Please don't feel ignored. I know how much everyone lives to read my blog. Pffffft! Anyway, I'm posting a link for friends and family who have expressed concern or sent me queries as to the proximity of the air strikes in Gaza as it relates to us.  I have found little in the way of accurate or reliable reporting locally or from any of the Israeli papers that I  have scanned. 

However, I am a member of a group that sent me a link to a British independent reporter who is covering the situation via a live feed on the ground in Gaza. So if you would like accurate, up to the minute information on the Gaza attacks, feel free to click here and follow Harry Fear live. 
God bless you and protect you and your team, Harry. 

Always the Bad Cop

My chest tightens and my breath grows shorter.
 Jaws are clenched and I can feel my teeth grinding to nubs.
I see tiny white stars pop in front of my eyes.

Orange peels decorate the living room with dirty tissues to contrast.
The teaser had been chucking snot rags at his brother, who
returned fire with the orange peels.

The teased one explodes and pounds the teaser.

The smaller sees red and chases the larger to the
corner by the front door (so all the neighbors
can hear) and pounds on him until he screams
like a girl, twisting to get away and ripping my
curtains out of the wall.

The swear words and shouting back at me; ignoring me
when I call their names; blatantly disregarding directions
or punishment - these are the things I have to deal with
while their father is gone....

He goes off to work and buys them nice gifts because he
misses them.  They don't act like monkeys on methamphetamines
when he's in town. And when he comes home they are his sweet
respectful kids and he gives them gifts.

Me?  They give me shit and it doesn't matter whether I do nice
things or not for them....I'm the mom.  So I reap the shit.

God.  I can't wait until I have grandchildren.

What Gives People?

Okay, while I'm elated that President Obama won a second term in Office, clearly there are a whole bunch of people who have hurt feelings over the whole thing.  But rather than handle their disappointment at how the election turned out like politically responsible adults, they're tantrumming and acting out the way a small child does when Mom says, "No, you cannot have candy bars and strawberry soda for breakfast."

I am pretty sure that when George W. Bush won the election back in 2000, a lot of Democrats were really upset.  But mostly, it was due to the whole Florida/Jeb Bush/voting scandal thing.  But after about a week and a recount that didn't come out the way that Al Gore wanted it to, they all swallowed hard and accepted that they would just have to come up with a better strategy and/or candidate for 2004.

And they didn't. And George W. Bush won again. But you know what, that's okay. Because while he and Congress were busy deregulating banks and making corporations people and continuing to fight two wars that we didn't really have the money to fight, the Democrats got their stuff together and came up with a few really good candidates and eventually, Senator Barack Obama won that candidacy.  And then he won the election.

He was voted into office in 2008 because the majority of Americans (voting Americans) believed him to be
the better candidate.  Because see?  We Democrats managed to survive eight years of George W. Bush. And while he left a big ole economic, financial, mess behind, we were still here.  Ready to stand up, put on the gloves and pick up shovels and dig ourselves out of the crap.  And in 2012, having made good on a lot of, but not yet all of, his promises, Barack Obama won a second term in office.  He won it. FAIR AND SQUARE.

And maybe it wasn't because President Obama is the best man for the job. However, the majority of voting Americans decided that he WAS the best man out of the candidates they had to choose from.

Here is where people need to start taking a little responsibility.  I believe that Al Gore was NOT the right candidate for President in 2000. In fact, I voted for George W. Bush in that election.  I didn't know that much about him then.  I did know enough about Al Gore to believe that he was the wrong man for the job.
Since former President Bush had planes scrambled to bomb the shit out of Afghanistan less than 15 minutes after the bombing of the World Trade Center, far too short a time to determine who was actually responsible for the horrific act, I decided to get to know the candidates a little better before the next election time. You know pay attention to the who's who of Washington, because Dude! People were DYING....and a lot of them.

I researched who all was running in the primaries...well, most of them. The only one who was worth half a tinker's damn on the Republican side was Alan Keyes and frankly his tax code ideas started out as a cool new approach....until he started the talk of one or two generations of reparations via tax exemption for African-American of slave heritage.  Also, he began using big words like "socialist experiment" to refer to income taxes. I have issues with elected officials referring to issues with which they don't agree as "socialist."
Most of the time, they're not capable of defining the word socialism. The rest of the Republican candidates looked more like contestants for a possible reality game show that could be called "REAL EGOMANIACS of NARCISSIST CITY."  Come on!  Rudolph Giuliani?  He was on Saturday Night Live at least four times, not to mention five or six other television shows and several movies.

Romney, Gingrich, McCain, Paul, and Huckabee all fighting each other for the spot light and none making much sense on any issues, in my opinion.  I have no idea what Fred Thompson had upstairs to offer in politics. Frankly, Ronald Reagan should remain our one and only Actor-turned-President.  Besides, I don't think anyone could watch a State-of-the-Union Address given by Fred Thompson without looking around for Jerry Orbach to read someone his rights. So what was my point again?

Oh, yeah.  The Republican party didn't have any GOOD candidates groomed for the win in 2008.  Pretty much 2012 was a re-run of the 2008 primaries.  But once that whole Tea-Party thing got a little momentum (and an assload of money from the Koch Bros,) things took a weird turn and I re-registered as a Democrat.

Here is what I'm trying to say:  If you don't like the outcome, then do something POSITIVE about it.  Like get involved in politics yourself.  You don't have to run for President if you don't want to.  But get involved. Find out who the movers and the shakers are within the party you affiliate yourself with.  Stop swallowing headlines spewed out by ANY mainstream news. Find papers from all extremes and from the middle of the road. You want balanced reporting? You're NEVER going to find it unless you balance it yourself.

Fact check what is said in the Huffington Post (very biased- liberal), on FOX News (ultra-biased Republican), Christian Science Monitor (slightly biased Republican), the New York Times (fair/even most times), the Baltimore Sun (fairly even), Chicago-Sun Times (slightly  biased Republican), Milwaukee Journal (slightly biased Democrat)...or whatever source you get your news from.  You can read the same news items in the Washington Times and in the Washington Post and get two entirely different slants from newspapers located within 5 miles of each other. Check the facts in everything.

But don't start acting like you cannot  possibly survive a mere four  years until the next election, crying foul and racist remarks or threatening to secede from the nation or trying to run your husband over with a Jeep because he didn't vote (as though his vote would have mattered since this happened in Arizona which went to Romney ANYWAY! DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ???)

Grow up, America. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Get over it. Get up. Come up with a worthwhile candidate who doesn't hide money or change his stance on issues multiple times in the course of a year and get him elected FAIR AND SQUARE. That's what responsible adults do.

Jerry-Rigging...the Second Generation

My dad is an excellent electrician and mechanic. He can fix most anything.  But when he's fixing something that is his own, he may take a few shortcuts....and end up with a few extra springs or screws, like when he
fixed his washing machine.  Or he may be able to determine that the there really is nothing wrong with the
car when the check engine light comes on, but can't find the fuse to switch out in order to make the check
engine light go off...so he'll just cover that check engine light with a piece of black electrical tape so that it's not as distracting when you drive.

I've always joked about it since Dad is an accurate example of "The cobbler's children need new shoes."

And now I see that I have followed in his footsteps. As I type this while I talk to my son over Skype on cheap headphones with the mic on the cord that is too far from my mouth for him to hear me, I am grateful that my web cam is on the fritz.  My hand got tired from holding the microphone up by my mouth so I connected the wire with a twisty-tie (like from a bread bag) to my glasses so that I can talk to my son, hands-free.

Yeah, that apple didn't fall far from Dad's tree!

It's a Good Day

I suffer from insomnia....but it's only because my kids are night owls who continue to argue and shout at one another from their beds, forcing my eyeballs to pop open after I take melatonin to lull me off to sleep.

And I didn't fall asleep until around 4 a.m. thanks to Ismail not feeling tired and getting up to watch Zombieland on t.v. which of course, set Randa off on a middle-of-the-night-autistic-meltdown which included screaming at me every 10 minutes, "STUPID ISMAIL'S NOT SLEEP....GROSS....ZOMBIES T.V...........MOMMY!"

So, naturally I didn't even hear the alarm go off at 5:50 a.m. and once again, Samiya and Aiman stayed home from school.  Yup. MOTY is just a distant dream once again. Right up there with "full 8 hours of sleep" apparently.

The mosquito population of Alexandria is concentrated under the desk where I'm typing. I expect by now I'm immune to West Nile virus....I do live west of the Nile.  But that's just the bad stuff.

The good stuff is as follows:

1. President Obama is STILL the President.
2. Today was sandwiches day so that I could focus on my writing.
3. Ismail fixed my Birkenstocks with super glue so my feet don't have to cry anymore.
4. I am only 600 words short of where I'm supposed to be on my NaNoWriMo quota.
5. It rained today.
6. My characters in my novel are dragging me through their life story with me playing only a very small role in        
their direction.  This book is just awesome.
7. President Obama is STILL the President.

All in all, it looks like a pretty damn good day for me.

You've Overstayed Your Welcome, Bitchez!

Mosquito season is in the Summer, right?

WRONG.

It's now....in NOVEMBER and maybe because it's still hotter
than fresh peppers in a hooker's g-string....but they are out with
a vengeance.

And they are sucking all of the blood out of my feet, fingers, and
back. And while they keep doing this WWI Flying Ace death
drop dives into my cleavage, not one of those suckers has drowned
in boob sweat to date.

Which really sucks.

NaNoWriMo

So I made the commitment to participate in NaNoWriMo 2012. That's NAtional NOvel WRIting MOnth where I try to write 50,000 words in a month (with a daily goal of around 1637 words.) Since I had already started my novel about 8 months ago, I'm using this first week or so to rewrite what I have so far and once I read about chapter 8 or so, I'm going to start chopping it up and getting back on track. Somewhere along the line I went off on a tangent that I couldn't bring back to my original outline.

Anyway, since announcing this decision 2 days ago, my kids have taken it upon themselves to go absolutely bat shit crazy as soon as I sit down at the computer. I have broken up a record number of fights, helped with more geometry  homework, located at least 46 lost items and made French fries, toast, and a yogurt and honey facial mask all during MY turn at the computer.

Frankly, I'm exhausted.

And I've come to the realization that one of two things is going to happen before 30 November ever rolls around:  I'm going to quit AGAIN and probably never finish this damn book OR I'm going to put all 4 of the remaining kids up for adoption.

Option B is looking really good right now.